It's been a while since my last blog post.
It's summer 2026 now, and we're in the midst of that heatwave, the one that's roaring in from the Sahara Desert.
My room is under the roof, so even after the sun goes down, the heat from the roof and the sauna-like air heated by the roof of the house next door constantly rises and seeps into my place, making it really, really hot.
When that heatwave lasted about 10 days, I couldn't possibly stay home, so I evacuated to my friend's antique bijoux boutique almost every day. But going outside felt like having a hot hairdryer blown at you on a griddle, so whether I was outside being "grilled" or inside being "steamed," I couldn't go far...
It truly was torture.
Ah, good thing it wasn't a guillotine.
That said, during times like these, I think about hot, hot Japan and imagine the salarymen and office ladies commuting every day there, and I think, "No, no, compared to that..."
Speaking of office ladies, I always picture Shiori Kotobuki's "Hige OL" (Bearded Office Lady). An office lady with a magnificent beard... It's an old manga, but times are catching up!
And that was a long preamble.
This year, no, from November last year to February this year, I was in Japan,
After returning for a little over a month, I was back in Japan from late March until early May.
My dad suddenly became incredibly frail, and I went back last November to care for him.
Suddenly, he couldn't eat much and seemed to struggle with movement.
When I went back and saw him, I thought, "It's more than I imagined..." But neither my brother nor I could figure out why he declined so suddenly, which is natural. We're not doctors.
And I, especially, wasn't with him every day, so I didn't know the progression.
Anyway, my dad was a true Kyushu man who lived life on his own terms, a boisterous person who didn't really consider those around him. To elaborate, "not considering those around him" means he didn't abide by current social norms or read the room, nor did he think "normally" (whose normal, I don't know).
I never talked to my dad when I was younger; in fact, we barely saw each other, and when we did, it was awkward.
My mom passed away about 20 years ago;
I was already in France then, and I found out about her sudden, unexpected death. When I returned the next day, due to the time difference, it was already about four days after her passing... it was still hot then, and she was in the refrigerator... I still cry when I remember it.
Well, because of that, I was depressed for nearly five years after my mom died... I think I was mildly depressed. That's why I told my dad, with whom I started talking after my mom passed away,
"Even if you die, I probably won't cry. I've learned that people die."
During my first trip back for caregiving, it was extremely difficult because I had to start from scratch with things like long-term care certification and My Number card linkage.
Since my brother (who also has his own issues) lived with him, the caregiving certification was almost non-existent, and it took a month for the certification to arrive. Also, no care managers would take him on because his care level was low, and I didn't even know how to find one in the first place.
While all this was going on, my dad's condition rapidly deteriorated.
No, looking back now... but.
He was weak but seemed well, or rather, everyone thought it was temporary and he would soon be back to his energetic self, going out for drinks every night.
But by the end of my three-month stay, my dad had become an incredible jerk, constantly telling me, "I don't need it," "I won't do it," and "You're useless." It was truly painful---
How many times did I think, "You, you, you, you damn jerk!!!!"
I've never been on the brink of death myself, so I don't know what it feels like for someone in that state, but apparently, that's how it goes.
Ah, I've already written a lot. I could keep going, but
In any case, I was quite similar to my dad in personality, so when I went back, we got along well and had a good time (or so I thought), but now, I can only recall those good memories with effort. When I think of my dad, all I can remember is that frail, jerk of a dad from his last six months. I guess that's how strong the impact was.
A little over a month after I returned, I received news that my dad had fallen out of his care bed and was hospitalized, then passed away. Like with my mom, I rushed back, but still arrived about three days later.
I thought I wouldn't cry, since he was a jerk, and I told myself I wouldn't cry, but I still cried intensely.
After that, as you can imagine, since we no longer had parents, we were busy with mountains of paperwork,
But since my dad's death, no, since I started caring for him, my way of thinking has changed.
Ah, this is where the main topic starts—sorry for the long preamble.
It was the same with my mother; "If only I had done this or that then, she might still be alive," "It's the doctor's fault, my brother's fault,"
"It's my fault."
I think these things every day, but then almost immediately, I think,
No, when people die, they die alone. It's not about whose fault it is, or being kept alive by someone... It's probably simpler than that.
And I try to re-evaluate it that way.
And even when organizing the house, I wonder what the point is of owning things? And I've come to want to live with less stress from now on, to live naturally. To put it positively, that's how it is, but honestly, I feel quite unmotivated about everything.
Perhaps because of that, I decided to stop coloring the gray hairs I've had since I was young, and now I'm transitioning to gray hair.
What can I say? I guess it's okay to just be myself. No, it's also being true to oneself and natural for people who want to look good to dye their hair, but I want to shed that kind of stress, too. It feels like caring about gray hair = old age is about how I interact with people? My actions? Wanting to look younger?
Fortunately, in France, there are people of all races and hair colors, so I guess my salt-and-pepper hair is fine too.
No!! I wrote so much, and the main part is so short!!! And it's just an excuse for gray hair!
But this is my honest feeling right now.
Ciao
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